It's a Very Big Closet

Which reminds be of the opening line from a song from Sondheim's "Into the Woods" - "He's a very nice prince."

I'm not going to get into the politics of the closet. I'm not going to discuss whether it's better to be out or closeted. I'd like to talk reality here.

I live in the closet. I work in a family owned religious bookstore. I'm a struggling student living at home with my mother. I can't wear a button that says "I'm kinky, ask me how." I cannot be the leather clad kink spokesperson. So I live in the closet.

And it's not too horrible. We don't have to heat it in the winter, so many people live here. And I get to vacation outside the closet. I have a group of friends and lovers and play partners to whom I can be completely out. Sometimes I think that I live for those vacations. But I wear my normal mask well, and have learned to play well with others.

Living here shapes my worldview. It keeps this blog relatively anonymous. It turns me into a covert educator, as opposed to a direct advocate. This doesn't mean I don't do my bit. I teach my friends and I teach my lovers who are new to the scene. By the way, the use of some plurals should not indicate that I am poly. More power to those that are, but I'm firmly in the monogamy camp. I'm involved in safe spaces, and I have this little blog. But I'm not out as a sex blogger (though I have yet to blog about actual sex), or a kink public advocate.

And that's OK! I don't have to wear my private life on a button on my bodice (though in certain cases it is appropriate and fun). I don't have to write articles about this subject under my own real name. I'm entitled to that privacy, as are my friends and lovers if they choose to maintain it.

But you have to face facts. Living in the closet hurts sometimes. It hurts that I have to hide who I am to everyone I know. I can't just take time from work to go to Black Rose or Floating World and say so. There are so many things I can't do.

This isn't a discussion about privilege, by the way. I know that my skin color (white) and my basic sexual orientation (straight) entitle me to slightly more privilege than a dead white male (the only thing keeping me from having THAT much privilege is indoor personal plumbing), but I would like to disagree. But that's a rant for another time. I promise, it'll be good.

So that's the view, peeking out from behind the closet door. It's mostly nice in here, except for when it isn't.

For Your Consideration

For those of you familiar with some of my old livejournal writings on this subject, you can feel free to skip this post, as it's kind of a rehash.

I used to have a tendency to do lists and steps when I talk about this sort of thing. But then I learned that sexuality is an ongoing journey. There can be no platitudes, no concrete steps. The only thing that remains a constant is communication. And I maintain that kinky people communicate better.

That's kind of a huge statement to make, I know. I can hear the shouts from the peanut gallery again (will you guys ever shut up? It's getting bloody irritating). But it's a reality. We do communicate better than most vanilla couples. This is because we have to. If you've got someone tied up in intricate shibari bondage, (more power to you if you do, I'm too lazy for that stuff), you have got to have channels of communication open with that person. He or she must be able to tell you when something hurts in a bad way, or they are loosing feeling in a body part, etc. In order to execute a scene based on a particular fantasy correctly, there must be open communication between the participants regarding the various wants and needs that are going into all of it. No one gets what they want when they don't talk about it.

This is obviously true of any type of relationship. Vanilla folks could certainly benefit from more open and consistent communication in their relationships. They also could benefit from a good spanking, but that's kind of just my opinion on things that are fun (which is really the topic of several other posts). They'll show up eventually, I promise.

Communication is the key to successful sexual exploration. I'm sure that some of my readers got here by the power of search engines, not that I think I rank all that high on a google search yet. Some of you are just finding this stuff sexy for the first time. And you have no frakkin' clue if your partner thinks it's equally hot. In order to get what you want, you have to say something. That's hard because you don't really want to come off as a total nut job. The worst reaction you can possibly get to any revelation of sadomasochistic tendencies is "you're a horrible human being, get away from me." The middle ground is "huh, never thought about that before, but I'm willing to give it a try." The best possible reaction is "me too!"

To sum up, communication is key. No one gets anywhere if they don't talk to their partners. No one gets what they want, no one gets orgasms, no one has fun. And really, who wants that?