Why A Is Not Like B

Couple A is sitting in the back of a cab coming home from a lovely evening of the theater and dinner. Her skirt is riding high on her legs, and her inquisitive boyfriend feels his way up her legs to discover that she isn't wearing any underwear. He forces her legs apart and begins to touch her intimately despite her protests. She has the cabbie pull over, gets out and goes home. The nest day she presses charges for sexual assault. (This is in an ideal world, where women are not afraid to report partner assault, etc.)

Couple B is sitting in the back of another cab. They have been on a similarly lovely date. Her skirt is also riding high, she is similarly discovered not to be wearing any underwear. Her legs are also forced apart, and she is the brought to near orgasm despite similar protests. After they get out of the cab, they go home together, happy in what has just transpired. What makes this couple different? Why isn't this sexual assault?

Because couple B has added an extra dynamic to their relationship. They have an agreement where she cedes power to him (unless she uses a prearranged password to end the situation). Her no is part of a script as opposed to a true protest*. She** actively wants and desires what has happened. Hence the fact that she went home with him and proceeded to go to bed with him.

It makes me marvel at the fine line that I walk in my sex life. If I didn't have this agreement with my lovers, it would appear as though I (or they when the bitch goddess emerges) am in an abusive relationship. I am hit, and when it is desired and warranted, I hit back. I engage in a certain amount of risky behavior, which really only works because of these prearranged agreements and signals. I implicitly trust my partner to read my body language, to understand what I am telling him when I cannot speak. I give up my power and let my partner drive the train for a little while. This is what works for me, but it only works due to an underlying structure. This structure keeps wonderful interpersonal play from becoming assault and abuse.














*This is why someday I may have to have a talk with my kids (when I have them and they are teens) about why no means no, unless you're in scene in which case asparagus means no. Remember, No Means No for about 90% of the planet (overgeneralizing, but this is a case where that doesn't hurt).

**We could just as easily switch genders, but lately I have been playing submissive and so the submissive roles are being written as women. Women can and do sexually assault men, this should not be disregarded or trivialized.